Falling asleep

I must be old... Last night my wife was cuddly... she's never cuddly! But she was and as we're laying in the dark she pushed her butt tight against me, which is dangerous, because she has a hot butt! It had to be obvious I was a little excited.. but I was also almost asleep... I put my hand on that sweet soft curve between the hip and ribs... I LOVE that spot! I started carresing and lightly running my fingers across her soft skin and she pushed that sexy butt tighter into me. And yet I fell asleep... Excited, pushed up against her, asleep.


Why? I figured it was like any other night I'm turned on and not going to get any! 99,999 out of 100,000 times the answer is no, why would I think this was the 1 time!


Now I don't know how many times I have told my wife I have a fantasy about waking up to sex advances! 
What does she do? She sighed and went to sleep. She had been interested, willing, and rather than poke me to wake back up, she went to sleep! I wait for her to be interested, every hour of every day, I am like a marine, on constant alert, waiting for the word to go in and get it done! 16 waking hours of the day, an average of 7 to 10 days a week waiting for that one hour where she wants, nay, IS WILLING to have sex!!!  She left me asleep.


Women... I PROMISE you... If you are interested in having sex... roll over and be as blunt and shocking as you want to be, we will not get upset! We WILL wake up and do anything you want! I know you might be wary to do so, because if we did that to you, you would scream rape and shoot first and ask no questions later... so its hard for you to understand.
"Well why wouldn't I think I was being raped and shoot you? It's your own fault for thinking I would ever want to have sex with you, we're only married."
We will NEVER EVER EVER be upset with you for waking us up for sex.  PERIOD. End of Blog.

Birthday sex...

I was talking with a friend about what to get his wife for Christmas, I suggested he give her me... Im looking for a new job if anyone has any ideas. (jk)
We ended up talking about sex, it was very Sex in the City only awesome cause we're dudes who like women instead of shoes, and women instead of lame guys inversely named "Mr. Big". First let me fill in the ladies, anyone who professes to have a large member, is by default trying to compensate for his teeny tiny whiddle pee-pee. That's why I always tell women in the first ten minutes, "I have the smallest penis out of all my friends." 


Anyway! So we were talking about sex like grown men do during a good pillow fight at work, and we got to the topic of why is it that for men to get what they really want, I don't mean just sex, I mean like our hottest porno fantasies, the planets have to align with your wife's (CENCORED WORD HERE). I call this day MY BIRTHDAY! Which happens to be Feb 29th... Also known as LEAP YEAR! I'm kidding, but seriously, why can't we have crazy ass kinky sex more often than every aurora borealis? We have the kind of sex she wan't roughly 9 out of 10 days! (thats right, BY MY SELF while she goes shopping!)
I do the laundry more than 12 times a year, the least you can do is get on your knees once a month!


Isn't love and marriage about give and take? You give, I take? You take it while I give it? Come on! Why you gotta make me feel like a pervert just because I want you to dress up like Raggety Ann?


And what the hell happened to making out? When we were dating we made out ALL the time, every night. We haven't kissed in years, don't give me that line about "there are better things to do" I know when I'm being tricked! 
I thought that our dating was a good indicator, I guess I was wrong... The blog name IS FALSESEXPECTATIONS... 


I can't be the only one who gets "Birthday sex" way in with your comments!

Maybe Tomorrow night...

Obviously I hate False Sexpectations... You didn't notice?
So it should come as no shock that there are few words in the English language I hate more than "Tomorrow Night..."  These are the words my beautiful wife says with promising eyes as she turns me down. Not just turns me down, but turns me down after giving me the signs all day!
Women, you need to understand something... When you give the sexpecation that sex will happen in the next 12 hours, the launch sequence is initialized! You cannot just power down all thrusters at a moments notice. You might have not given a second thought to sex the entire rest of the day but we have been thinking about it non-stop every 60 seconds (or more frequently) the entire day!!!!! (Breathe....)

So ... THE NEXT NIGHT WHEN YOU TELL ME YET AGAIN "TOMORROW NIGHT!" and I believe you.... SHAME ON ME FOR BELIEVING YOU! And when we get to tomorrow night and you tell me "I'm sorry I'm just not in the mood tonight, I should feel into it tomorrow night and it will be much better sex! Do you hate me??"
Do I hate you???? The women I have chosen to spend my life with, through thick and thin, rich and pour, and some other stuff... To love, honor and such... To spend the rest of my life making love to you and only you... as you tow me along by the junk because you have all the power and know it...
Do I hate you, my love, my all?

You don't even need to ask.
I hate you... so very, very much.  I do. Absolutely. For at least 24 more hours.

P.S. It is disturbing (and hot) to me that if you do a google images search for "Slave" 50% of the pictures are Princess Leia in the gold bikini...