Falling asleep

I must be old... Last night my wife was cuddly... she's never cuddly! But she was and as we're laying in the dark she pushed her butt tight against me, which is dangerous, because she has a hot butt! It had to be obvious I was a little excited.. but I was also almost asleep... I put my hand on that sweet soft curve between the hip and ribs... I LOVE that spot! I started carresing and lightly running my fingers across her soft skin and she pushed that sexy butt tighter into me. And yet I fell asleep... Excited, pushed up against her, asleep.


Why? I figured it was like any other night I'm turned on and not going to get any! 99,999 out of 100,000 times the answer is no, why would I think this was the 1 time!


Now I don't know how many times I have told my wife I have a fantasy about waking up to sex advances! 
What does she do? She sighed and went to sleep. She had been interested, willing, and rather than poke me to wake back up, she went to sleep! I wait for her to be interested, every hour of every day, I am like a marine, on constant alert, waiting for the word to go in and get it done! 16 waking hours of the day, an average of 7 to 10 days a week waiting for that one hour where she wants, nay, IS WILLING to have sex!!!  She left me asleep.


Women... I PROMISE you... If you are interested in having sex... roll over and be as blunt and shocking as you want to be, we will not get upset! We WILL wake up and do anything you want! I know you might be wary to do so, because if we did that to you, you would scream rape and shoot first and ask no questions later... so its hard for you to understand.
"Well why wouldn't I think I was being raped and shoot you? It's your own fault for thinking I would ever want to have sex with you, we're only married."
We will NEVER EVER EVER be upset with you for waking us up for sex.  PERIOD. End of Blog.

Birthday sex...

I was talking with a friend about what to get his wife for Christmas, I suggested he give her me... Im looking for a new job if anyone has any ideas. (jk)
We ended up talking about sex, it was very Sex in the City only awesome cause we're dudes who like women instead of shoes, and women instead of lame guys inversely named "Mr. Big". First let me fill in the ladies, anyone who professes to have a large member, is by default trying to compensate for his teeny tiny whiddle pee-pee. That's why I always tell women in the first ten minutes, "I have the smallest penis out of all my friends." 


Anyway! So we were talking about sex like grown men do during a good pillow fight at work, and we got to the topic of why is it that for men to get what they really want, I don't mean just sex, I mean like our hottest porno fantasies, the planets have to align with your wife's (CENCORED WORD HERE). I call this day MY BIRTHDAY! Which happens to be Feb 29th... Also known as LEAP YEAR! I'm kidding, but seriously, why can't we have crazy ass kinky sex more often than every aurora borealis? We have the kind of sex she wan't roughly 9 out of 10 days! (thats right, BY MY SELF while she goes shopping!)
I do the laundry more than 12 times a year, the least you can do is get on your knees once a month!


Isn't love and marriage about give and take? You give, I take? You take it while I give it? Come on! Why you gotta make me feel like a pervert just because I want you to dress up like Raggety Ann?


And what the hell happened to making out? When we were dating we made out ALL the time, every night. We haven't kissed in years, don't give me that line about "there are better things to do" I know when I'm being tricked! 
I thought that our dating was a good indicator, I guess I was wrong... The blog name IS FALSESEXPECTATIONS... 


I can't be the only one who gets "Birthday sex" way in with your comments!

Maybe Tomorrow night...

Obviously I hate False Sexpectations... You didn't notice?
So it should come as no shock that there are few words in the English language I hate more than "Tomorrow Night..."  These are the words my beautiful wife says with promising eyes as she turns me down. Not just turns me down, but turns me down after giving me the signs all day!
Women, you need to understand something... When you give the sexpecation that sex will happen in the next 12 hours, the launch sequence is initialized! You cannot just power down all thrusters at a moments notice. You might have not given a second thought to sex the entire rest of the day but we have been thinking about it non-stop every 60 seconds (or more frequently) the entire day!!!!! (Breathe....)

So ... THE NEXT NIGHT WHEN YOU TELL ME YET AGAIN "TOMORROW NIGHT!" and I believe you.... SHAME ON ME FOR BELIEVING YOU! And when we get to tomorrow night and you tell me "I'm sorry I'm just not in the mood tonight, I should feel into it tomorrow night and it will be much better sex! Do you hate me??"
Do I hate you???? The women I have chosen to spend my life with, through thick and thin, rich and pour, and some other stuff... To love, honor and such... To spend the rest of my life making love to you and only you... as you tow me along by the junk because you have all the power and know it...
Do I hate you, my love, my all?

You don't even need to ask.
I hate you... so very, very much.  I do. Absolutely. For at least 24 more hours.

P.S. It is disturbing (and hot) to me that if you do a google images search for "Slave" 50% of the pictures are Princess Leia in the gold bikini...

What the hell ever

What is wrong with women? Seriously! From the 4th century until the 1930's ish there was a diagnosis called "Female Hysteria" which included irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, erratic behavior, frequent changing of the mind,  and "a tendency to cause trouble".   I think we just call that being a woman these days and there is no known cure.

I think every man has heard this conversation before and been on the hand slapped end of it.
"Ok, we can have sex... I kinda want to just talk and hang out for a bit before you know... I am a woman, I need some foreplay first.... Did you just try to touch my boobs?! You can't just touch my boobs! I need to be turned on first! Its ok to touch them like during sex but don't just touch them!"

What the hell ever! You need foreplay and to be turned on but I can't touch your boobs? I was rubbing your back first... I was under the impression that was called foreplay. And I know I have gone right to the boobs before and you have been like "Oooooo! :)"  So what the hell ever ladies!!!

Ok next time I will skip the boobs and go right to your ...

What the hell ever.

Charlie Sheen almost kills whore...

"Porn Actress" (Whore... I mean come on, let's call her what she is, $20 or $20,000 its the same name, the difference is 90lbs and no facial hair) Whore Capri Anderson, claims Charlie Sheen tried to choke her during sex and then locked her in a bathroom until she would agree to not tell.

Insert Picture here...

Two things... 1) We just call that celebration sex at my house... 4) This is Charlie Sheen, is she really that surprised??? 3) Look at that girl, she had it coming. Im fantasizing about choking her right now! 2) And now she's famous! Funny how that worked out. E) I don't know how to number lists very well.

Women are like slot machines

Women are like slot machines.
A friend shared this idea with me and I like the logic. Let us explore!



In a casino the house has all the power, they control exactly how often the slots payout knowing most people will sit at them bowing at the alter of the house in the hope that they might get a payout, even a small one... the hope of course is that you will hit a major jack pot! The reality is you will spend hours and hours feeding the slot with nothing in return...  Well almost nothing... See if the house didn't give you SOMETHING you would walk away! So after you pay into the slot for a while it will give you a little pay out for encouragement so you will keep playing. Once you are interested the payout keep coming as you keep putting them in, what it is really doing is getting it's money back and then giving some to you to give back to it until you slowly don't realize that for every 10 coins you put in you are only getting 8 back, slowly depleting you of your will to live... I mean money.
But you don't notice or care, you keep "investing", you can't walk away because is a hot slot!

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

It all started...

I have a love hate relationship with sex.
That is to say that I love sex... hate that it is soooo complicated! WHY IS IT SO COMPLICATED!
It shouldn't be... You both get a clear expectation of sex, a sexpectation if you will, and sex happens! Right? Why is it not that simple!

I remember growing up thinking "Being married will be awesome, I will have sex with my super model wife everynight, every morning and probably during the day at least 5 days a week, and probably like every 2 hours on Saturday's and Sunday's!" That's like 20+ times a week...

My wife and I were both raised strict christian, we have known each other since we where little, her father was our minister, my parents grew me in a tube so their naughty parts wouldn't touch (or so I tell my self...).
We were both raised to be virgins on our wedding night.

Parents: Safe sex is NO SEX....
Us: What is sex?
Parents: A dirty word you better never do!
Us: Oh, ok....

 So when we started getting serious while dating and then got engaged it became hard to wait for sex, but wait no one ever said anything about oral sex or "heavy petting"... What am I a dog?
"Bring the bone to mommy! GOOD BOY!"
"Arf!"

We were doing stuff 2 and 3 times a day, sometimes 4 times a day or more on the weekends and sleeping together, because hey we were NOT having sex... I was the luckiest guy in the world, I had a woman who couldn't get enough! ......... Birthcontrol. Birthcontrol is so named because it turns your beautiful beloved sex goddess into an evil horrid frigid soul stealing man hating creature with an awesome rack and hot ass to tempt you only to tell you she doesn't want to be touched or cuddle! This often coincides with the wedding and assuming you look past this phase of hormone adjustment as she explains it... and you marry... you might find that future of unlimited sexual satisfaction has become a FALSE-SEXPECTATION.

The wedding night? Too tired to even try to have sex and frankly too drunk to care, we passed out on the bed, in our tux and dress (she was in the tux.. I kid (or do I?)) and the next day we had a plane to catch so there was now good morning... once in the hotel paradise we were burned out from travel... I think we tried to have sex on the 2nd day.. Here is something your parents don't tell you, if you had our parents anyway... It hurts like hell for the woman and makes the man feel like shit for causing bleeding, OH YEAH THERE IS BLOOD MY FRIEND! Our next attempt was 2 weeks later! TWO WEEKS! We were so damaged at this point we just sat on opposite ends of the couch
Wife: "Do you wanna try..."
Husband: "No!... No... That's ok."
Wife: "Maybe just some PG13..."
Husband: "No, I'm good..."
Wife: "Maybe some girl on girl porn would."
Huband: "Nope! Don't think I wanna see anyone else's either. Thanks."

This would be repeated for the months after the birth of each of our children... Something about a mucus and blood covered kid being pushed out of what was once the most amazing and sexy thing in the world... (Shiver)

Anyway, fast forward a year and in the real world... You are really doing good if you have had sex in the last 10 days. Your schedules have to mesh, you have to be in the mood, she has to have a good day, not be stressed, not be pissed at each other, get home early enough, not have to wake up early, want the same kind of sex, not do anything to piss each other off before orgasm...
GEEZ!